Brain grit, God’s input, uterine IMs, pissy, pissy, not pissy, and tires that pop

When your work involves anything to do with writing computer manuals, you know work’s going to be like scraping your brain with sandpaper. I accept the boredom as inevitable, and appreciate that I’m good at what I do, people mostly leave me alone, and I get paid like a pimp.


Taking those positives, I long ago got used to the constant tscht-tscht against my grey matter.


We’re currently fixing everything that’s wrong with a web site, and my to-do list has gotten out of hand. My boss offered to take about 20 of my 150+ items, so I happily assigned them to her. Mid-way through her fixes, I got an IM:

[16:14] SheBoss: I’m about half-way through the SIRs you gave me, and I have a new appreciation for how boring your job can be.


Kickass.



Not too long ago my nephew announced that God visited him on the playground.


I know some of you just gave that an, “Awww.” I, however, am of the opposite opinion.


Perhaps it’s my being in the South, but I’m now seeing way too much of religion geared toward children that mimics the way Sesame Street hammers the ABCs into their little heads.


Indoctrination via song and story is still indoctrination, and it very much raises my radar when it comes to protecting those kids.


I understand that kids at the boy’s age are coming to grips with the realities of a scary world.


Pets and grandparents die. People lie. Others cheat, steal, and take other unsavory actions.


Their little brains process this world and naturally seek an explanation. For example, child abuse isn’t something the kids can comprehend, but punishment is. And knowing that someone who hurts kids is being dealt with by the biggest and baddest boss out there brings some comfort. It doesn’t explain the actual issue, but it does pacify the need for there to be some right to this wrong.


Since they’ve started attending church, they have been making comments that throw me. Most uncomfortably is that any cross is “where Jesus died”. And, by the way, “Why are there so many crosses on the side of the road?”


Anyway, my anti-indoctrination for kids spiel aside, the kid said something rather funny.


After exclaiming that God visited him on the playground that afternoon, we asked what God had to say.


“God says, ‘Two thumbs up!’”


My convictions aside, it’s hard to argue with that.


[09:38] Me: I have this urge to say nice things to you
[09:38] Me: I must be ovulating



Am I the only one who has a problem with Edible Arrangements? These franchises are popping up all over the place, and they just piss me off. I acknowledge that it’s one of my irrational angers, but I just don’t get it.


They’re bringing fruit. That looks like flowers. To your office.


It’s worse than a stupid cookie-gram.


Sixty dollars! For fruit!


If I’m spending $60 on fruit, it had better be at least four 750ml bottles and fermented.



Other things I irrationally dislike:


Those caveman Geico commercials. Going to concerts. People who use big words to sound smarter. Fanta. Back rubs that don’t involve the Thumbs of Death. Insincere compliments. People who make noise when they kiss. Inconsiderate drivers. Whiskey. Later finding out that he’s got a girlfriend. Dogs. Cheap shoes. Thoughtless presents. Sarah Palin. Unscented candles. Horses. Slow walkers. People who snap their gum. The color green. Bowling, no matter how much I drink. People who can’t take a goddamn joke. People who get pissy when I say goddamn. Being touched on the face. Anything peach-flavored.



#1 hit for jaded men on Google.



When I first got to Texas, it looked like I was going to inherit my sister’s current vehicle, providing her with another that I purchased. I took the initiative to put new tires on what was about to be my car. Things never quite settled on the vehicle swap. I got over it, knowing that the $400 for tires was needed. That was that.


Well, not too long ago, my sister was driving home with the kids when her tire — I kid you not — exploded. A couple of farm kids stopped to assist the single mother on the side of the road at midnight, busting a u-turn to check on her when they heard the blast.


The next day she went to Discount Tire to have them make good on the full warranty, and she was driving off without hassle a mere hour later.


Kudos to the company for their service. I feel it’s safe to say that God also gives them two thumbs up.

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