Since making it to Houston, essentially all I’ve done is watch movies. I really don’t like watching movies, but my lack of a vehicle makes it difficult to leave the house.
So, in exchange for talking about how I feel about my updated living situation, I’ll instead tell you what I think about the movies I’ve seen.
Hopefully this list will save you some time. After all, every hour and a half adds up.
NOTE: My movie scale goes from -3 to +3.
The Onion Movie. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting from this movie, but this wasn’t it. I made it through the whole thing, but I was really, really bored that night. I’m pretty sure if I looked at the copyright date, it would be one of those Internet heydays where everything got a green light and thousands in backing. Verdict: -2.
Saw. This was more gruesome than I thought and not one of those jumpy horror movies. There was a bit of thought put into it, and that made it worthwhile. If blood or horror movie death scenes make you squeamish, this isn’t for you. Verdict: +2.
Saw 2. See above.
Saw 4. Ditto.
P2. Two things: I can’t believe this piece of shit got made, and I can’t believe I watched all of it. Really, I stuck around to see how much worse the movie can get. If things women acting defenselessly in horror movies pisses you off, I’d suggest not watching it. Verdict: -3.
The Heartbreak Kid. With exception to The Royal Tenenbaums, Ben Stiller movies piss me off. Heartbreak Kid was more Meet the Parents than Zoolander or Dodge Ball. It was a little funny and a little charming, but oh so generic. Verdict: +1.
Stranded. I can’t give you an opinion on this because I turned it off after 20 minutes. If you’re looking for a non-drug sedative, this would be your movie. Verdict: N/A.
27 Dresses. People who know me in real life know that I love me some celebrity news. But when it comes to Katherine Heigl, there’s a bitchface mean streak in me. She really brings out the anger in me, so it was especially funny that she was the only celeb I saw on my trip to LA. I made it through this entire movie without too much effort. It was fine. Whatever. If you’re looking for a formulaic romantic movie without too much comedy to make it so your girlfriend will later sit through Cloverfield with you, this wouldn’t make you want to rip your eyes out. Verdict: +1.
Wall-E. This was fine. I was distracted by four kids who felt it necessary to tell me every part that was coming up next, so I can’t give a real assessment of it. Verdict: N/A, but everyone tells me +3.
The Ruins. I’m going to repeat myself: I can’t believe this piece of shit got made. Verdict: -3.
Little Nicky. I wasn’t expecting another comedic genius like Happy Gilmore, but I was still disappointed by this one. There’s really nothing to say. Verdict: -1.
Frosty the Snowman. This wasn’t the old version with the rabbit. This one’s hat belonged to the dad’s dad blah blah blah. Would I ever choose to watch it again? No. Did it keep the kids occupied for about an hour? Yes. Verdict: You decide what’s important to you.
The Devil Wears Prada. This is again another generic movie made for mass audiences. There wasn’t really anything worthwhile in this movie, except the scene where it’s flashing to her clothes while she’s walking to work. I wish I had reason to wear cute clothes to work. Read the book, though. Verdict: +1.
Rambo. I like karate and explosions. This had both. Verdict: +2.
10,000 BC. I didn’t make it through this movie either. Too long, too slow, and too many British accents. Verdict: -2.
Cloverfield. This movie was shot from a neat perspective (be warned for possible stomach churning from the camera’s constant motion), and there was a lot going on in my beloved “explosions” category. I blinked, and 50 minutes had gone by. And then right as things are getting all too scary and shit, the movie’s over. If you’re looking to spend a little over an hour watching a movie, this is the only one of the above I’d suggest. Verdict: +3.