On top of the ticket: McCain: I want to like you. I really do. But for fuck’s sake, please say something — ANYTHING — beyond the Republican stump speech. You guys had until 2007 to pass all of the things you keep talking about through a Republican Congress, yet nothing happened. Until you give me my school vouchers, hold those common sense negotiations with healthcare providers on how to manage costs, and come up with a plan to save social security, I won’t believe your promises. All we got during that time was this stupid war. Yeah, we were all tricked into getting into it. I’m not blaming you there. But please quit claiming the there’s victory in what’s going on over there. When four people per day are still dying, that’s not a victory. That’s an unnecessary travesty.
Right below: Palin: You have good comedic timing, but your speech came across as a spirit mom talking at a pep rally. After the big game is all done, those OtherCity Eagles are gonna find themselves on the endangered species! BOOYAH! And please quit bringing out the baby as a prop. So you didn’t abort him when you found out about his disabilities. What do you want, a fucking cookie? Go murder another moose to make some burgers.
An extra: Guiliani: Shouting that the Dems didn’t once bring up 9-11 in their convention? You know how people criticize Republicans for fear mongering? You’re part of the problem. You’re obnoxious. You haven’t been relevant since December 2001. Please go away. Now.
On top of the other ticket: Obama: I want to like you. I really do. That mile-high speech on the 45th anniversary of MLK was beautiful, and you called out a lot of McCain’s bullshit. I appreciate that. Now, please tell me how you’re going to accomplish all of the stuff you want to hand out without raising my taxes. Oh, you’re gonna tax the shit out of the rich. That’s not cool. I really, really want to be rich, so I’m not keen on being punished for my accomplishments. Also, that $1k you want to give everyone by re-taxing the oil companies… RE-TAXING? You mean a do-over? *smacks head*
Right below: Biden: Zzzzz… You talk too much.
An extra: Michelle Obama: I look up to you. I want to be you. I want my niece to look up to and want to be you. You’re educated. You’re well-spoken. You love your family. You love your man. You’re empathetic, yet overwhelmingly positive. More women — nay, people — should be like you. I’m not one of those idiots who will vote for your husband just to see more of you, but I’d vote for you to be Best Role Model in a Long Damn Time.